


glow-in-the-dark heart

by daydoodles



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Angst and Feels, Break Up, Canon Compliant, M/M, Pining, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-15
Updated: 2016-04-15
Packaged: 2018-06-02 11:37:47
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,763
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6564646
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/daydoodles/pseuds/daydoodles
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Hajime has a lot of regrets.</p>
            </blockquote>





	glow-in-the-dark heart

**Author's Note:**

> So...I'm salty about how people write Iwa in fanfiction. Like, in a lot of the work I've read he only ever calls Oiks "Shittykawa" or "Trashykawa" or whatever and basically he's a dick? And my beautiful cinnamon roll Iwa is not a dick so I took it upon myself to write what would happen if he /actually/ treated Oikawa that badly.
> 
> Also, this is heavily inspired by [Leave a Message](https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=saRYWcz52nU) by gnash.

The realisation takes a while to sink in, but then it hits Hajime all at once, like a wave finally collapsing in on itself as it breaches the shore.

It's been a few hours, but now his brain finally comprehends that he's never going to see Tooru again. He's lost the one thing most precious to him; and he'd taken Tooru for granted all these years, but it's too late now to get him back. Hajime wishes he could tell Tooru this, tell him how sorry he is - not that it would really change anything, he reminds himself, but at least he'd get some closure.

Does he even deserve closure? Hajime doesn't think so. He never did deserve Tooru to begin with, who chose Hajime over all the girls he could've had, who trusted him with his whole being, who never once did anything to make Hajime doubt that he was loved. Hajime wishes he could've been that good of a boyfriend, but now it’s too late and he can’t do anything but lay back on his bed and stare up at the glow-in-the-dark stars Tooru stuck on the ceiling, the last bit of himself Tooru’s left behind. Hajime feels the pressure mounting in his chest, like a blood clot’s slowly made its way to his heart and is blocking the blood flow till he's dizzy and gasping for air. Gasping for Tooru, really.

The worst part is, he doesn't know where they went wrong. Granted, he’s never been the most romantic person, but at least in the beginning he made an effort to remind Tooru of how special he was (and still is, despite the fact that Hajime no longer has the right to tell him so). He remembers they fought - not that he could forget - but now he can't even recall what the issues had been. He does know that his incessant name calling started to wear Tooru down; and in the end no amount of “I love you”s was enough to dislodge the times he'd called Tooru “Shittykawa” from Tooru’s memory. It’s justified, Hajime knows, for Tooru to finally get tired of putting up with his constant belittling. And yeah, he'd wanted to humble Tooru a bit, but not break his spirit. Hajime never wanted to be the reason Tooru doubted himself, but now he sees that's all he ever did. Tooru was never a secure person, and Hajime hadn't made that better. Now he never would get the chance.

Hajime feels the wet heat sliding down his cheeks before it registers that he's crying. He's never cried before, except once when he was ten and accidentally stepped on his pet beetle. But this is a different kind of crying, because it's a different kind of loss. Killing his beetle had been a pure accident, a mere oversight; but losing Tooru could have been preventable. He could have saved what they had, if he would've been more supportive, more encouraging.

Not that he never told Tooru he was proud of him, but he’s never been good at praising others. He tells himself he tried, that they gave it all they had, but that's the thing: Tooru was the only one who’d given it their all. Hajime had become complacent, convincing himself that things were fine and Tooru would never leave his side. He sees now how mistaken he’s been.

So he lays there and cries, the glowing stars stuck to the ceiling flickering in and out of focus as he blinks away tears, and lets his sorrows soak the mattress beneath him without concern for the damp spot his head is resting in. He wants to take the stars down, if for no other reason than to distract himself; to remove the reminder of what he once had. But he can't, because that makes it feel final. Like there's no hope left for him and Tooru.

He falls asleep like that, gazing at synthetic stars through hazy eyes and an even hazier mind. That night, he dreams of nothing but Tooru.

-

It's been a week, and Hajime still cries every night as he lays in bed wishing sleep would find him. The pale green stars on the ceiling still haunt him, and he still can't muster the courage to take them down. He still sees Tooru every time he closes his eyes, dreams about him more than he has in his entire life up till this point combined. It's exhausting, but he's afraid to sleep because he knows he'll just see Tooru again.

-

It's been a month, and Hajime looks worse than he did when he was twelve and got mono and had to stay in the hospital for three weeks. He's lost weight, his eyes are dull, and those goddamn stars just won't stop glowing at him as he lays lifeless wishing for sleep. They're mocking him, he knows, and if they were on good terms he'd be telling Tooru about it, they'd laugh about the irony of it all together. But if he were on good terms with Tooru, the stars would have nothing to mock him about.

An asteroid shower happens one night, and he sits out on the grass in front of their - no, his - flat and watches, peering at the comets through binoculars like Tooru always did. He wonders if that's what Tooru’s doing now, wherever he is. He hopes so.

-

After six weeks, Hajime has had enough.

He knows he needs to move on. He knows this isn't healthy. He knows that he needs to get rid of the things that remind him of Tooru, so he does. He rips the plastic shapes off the ceiling, stuffing them into an old shoebox and shoving them under the bed. He can't bring himself to let go completely, not yet, but at least he can lay on his bed without crying now.

Well, most of the time.

-

Two months is the time it takes for him to summon the courage to pursue the closure he so desperately needs. Hajime doesn't know where Tooru is, but Hanamaki does, so he asks him for a favour. Hanamaki agrees somewhat reluctantly, but when Hajime tells him his plan he sighs and figures it can't hurt. He tells Hajime he'll be there that evening, so Hajime gets to work.

He writes Tooru a letter. It's just a rambling tangle of words, everything he needs to say, and wants to say, and hasn't been able to say until now. His handwriting is as messy as it's always been and the ink bleeds where his tears hit the page, but he keeps going. He finishes, takes a deep breath, and stuffs it into an envelope before he has a chance to lose his nerve. He writes "Oikawa" on the front, and it feels so wrong to call him anything but Tooru but it dawns on Hajime that he doesn't even know Tooru anymore. He doesn't deserve to call him by name.

Hanamaki stops by to pick up the letter, and leaves without a word. Hajime knows he's seen the glassy moisture in his eyes, and Hanamaki’s never been one to stick around to watch someone cry.

-

Dear Oikawa,

Wow, it's weird calling you that. I think the last time I called you that was high school, wasn't it? Whatever, it doesn't matter.

Look, you know I'm shitty at feelings in general and even worse at putting them into words, so don't expect much from this letter. I just want to get some things off my chest, tell you what I've been thinking about for the past couple months. I've learned a lot of things about myself, and maybe about you too, but I'm not sure about that anymore.

I guess I should start by saying that I'm sorry. I know that's not worth much, especially now, but I've come to terms with how badly I've treated you over the years. I didn't mean to, but that doesn't matter in the end. Just know that I would never do anything to intentionally hurt you, and I truly regret all the ways I've hurt you accidentally over the years. I miss having you in my life. I took you for granted.

I hope you're doing well, wherever you are. I hope you're starting to see all the good inside of you, all the things I never took the time to point out. I hope that someday, you'll be as happy as you always pretend you are. You made me that happy, and I hope you find someone who does that for you, too.

Don't change. You're not perfect the way you are, but you're you. And if people don't like that, it's their problem, not yours. You deserve better than that. You deserve better than _me_.

Thank you for trying, for teaching me how to love, even if I didn't necessarily put it into practise. Thank you for teaching me how to deal with loss now, too. You made me a better person, just like you've always done.

I wish that would've been enough.

-Hajime

-

It's three months after Tooru leaves that Hajime finally talks to someone besides his mother, Hanamaki, Matsukawa, or Kindaichi. His phone rings, and he wonders who could possibly be calling him because he's just talked to his mum the day before, and she's the only one who ever wants to talk on the phone. Hajime prefers texting, and so do his friends. He won't let himself think about the only other person who used to call him.

But then Hajime's thinking about him anyway, because his lockscreen lights up with a cheery _Incoming Call: Oikawa Tooru_ , and Hajime wants to scream or cry or maybe drown himself in the ramen he'd been about to eat because he's lost his appetite. He smashes the “decline” button to restrain himself from doing any of those things, or even worse, answering. The screen goes dark, the dim surface mirroring Hajime’s face back to him. He looks like a trainwreck, but even still he doesn't look as bad as he feels. Appearances are easier to fake than emotions, he's learned.

A minute later, the screen lights up again, his phone announcing that he has _(1) New Voicemail: Oikawa Tooru_ , and Hajime clenches his fists reflexively because he didn't want to talk to Tooru, but he sure as hell wants to hear his voice.

Hajime inhales a shaky breath, and presses play. The tears start as soon as he hears that beloved voice choke out “Iwa-chan” on the other end of the line.

**Author's Note:**

> ALRIGHT NOW STOP WRITING IWA AS AN ASSHAT YOU MEANIES IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED TO HAPPEN
> 
> I hope you're happy


End file.
